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[TiCam]

"Communication is a skill that you can learn. It's like riding a bicycle or typing. If you're willing to work at it you can rapidly improve the quality of this very part of your life."

So you are all dressed up, at a cocktail party, or perhaps you are even dressed down, heading to a house party just outside of town. Things are quieting down, the night is getting late, and the superficial small talk between passing strangers slowly dies.

You meet somebody new, somebody interesting, perhaps even somebody you find exciting. Together you begin to chat, and then you talk about yourself, over and over again.

Suddenly, your chatting partner checks their watch and excuses themselves to somewhere else, across the room.

Perhaps you wonder why this happens. A solution to this problem is available, right here, right now.

This example is why it is important to know how to have a good conversation with people. A good conversation is engaging for the mind and the heart, and after a good talk you can walk away satisfied and even a little more enlightened.

The problem is that a lot of people don't seem to understand what it takes for a good back and forth exchange.

The ability to listen first is the most important component in having a good conversation. Listening is important for many reasons. First of all, if you do all the talking, your conversation turns into a confessional pretty quickly. And nobody wants to be your priest.

Instead, what you have to do is listen, and ask questions. If you listen to someone else, then they are more likely to listen to you. Also, don't assume that you know everything.

You might find that the worst possible conversation you might have is with someone who is interested only in philosophy or politics. As I have gone out and met new people, I have met some philosophy students, and some political science students, who have been less willing to understand a new paradigm of life. Sometimes this type of person will run in circles and contradict themself to avoid being wrong, and to maintain feelings of importance of security.

Being open to new ideas, and being open to understanding someone else's point of view, will provide you with the most satisfying conversations possible.

With these general observations noted and heeded, let us consider how persons engaged in such conversations or discussions should proceed with regard to achieving understanding and agreement, at least pro tem, if not for all time. Lets se what Mortimer Adler, Ph.D.

has to say.

The first rule to be followed is this. Do not disagree -- or, for that matter, do not agree -- with anyone else unless you are sure you understand the position the other person is taking. To disagree before you understand is impertinent. To agree is inane.

To make sure that you understand, before you disagree, exercise the courtesy of asking the other person the following question: "Do I understand you to say that . . . ?" Fill in the blank by phrasing in your own words what you think you hear the other person saying. He may respond to this by saying to you, "No, that is not what I said or not what I meant. My position is as follows." Then, after the other person has restated his position for you, you should once again try to state in your own words what you have understood the other to say. If the other still dissents from your interpretation, you must continue with the question and answer procedure until the other tells you that you have at last caught the point, that you understand him precisely as he wishes to be understood. Only then do you have the grounds indispensable for intelligent and reasonable disagreement or agreement.

This procedure is time consuming. It requires patience and persistence. Most people anxious to get on with the discussion bypass it. They are willing to risk being impertinent or inane by disagreeing or agreeing with what they do not understand. They are satisfied with merely apparent disagreements or agreements, instead of seeking a genuine meeting of minds.

Real as opposed to apparent agreement occurs when two persons, concerned with a certain question to be answered, understand that question in exactly the same way yet give incompatible answers to the question on which their minds meet in mutual understanding.

Apparent as opposed to real disagreement occurs when two persons, concerned with a certain question, do not understand that question in exactly the same way. When their minds have not met in mutual understanding of the question, the incompatible answers they give to it constitutes a difference of opinion that is not a genuine disagreement, even though it may appear to be such. Real disagreement occurs only when, with their minds meeting in mutual understanding of the question, they then give incompatible answers to it.

When two persons find themselves in real disagreement, a meeting of minds about that very disagreement still remains to be achieved. It takes the form of understanding their disagreement. To achieve this, each must forsake partisanship with regard to his own position, and substitute for it a kind of impartiality with respect to the position taken by the other person. What I mean by an attitude of impartiality is trying to understand why the other individual holds the view he does. Each person should not only be able to state the position of the other in a manner that the other approves, he should also be able to state the other person's reasons for holding that view.

All of us should be aware of the moral obligation that the pursuit of objective truth imposes upon us. If we find ourselves in real disagreement with others, we should be tireless in our effort to resolve that disagreement. We should never desist from trying to overcome it and reach agreement.

If you find yourself in genuine disagreement with the position taken by another, you should be able to explain the grounds of your disagreement, by saying one or more of the following things.

1. "I think you hold that position because you are uninformed about certain facts or reasons that have a critical bearing on it." Then be prepared to point out the information you think the other lacks and which, if possessed, would result in a change of mind.

2. "I think you hold that position because you are misinformed about matters that are critically relevant." Then be prepared to indicate the mistakes the other has made, which, if corrected, would lead the other to abandon the position taken.

3. "I think you are sufficiently well informed and have a firm grasp of the evidence and reasons that support your position, but you have drawn the wrong conclusions from your premises because you have made mistakes in reasoning. You have made fallacious inferences." Then be ready to point out those logical errors which, if corrected, would bring the other person to a different conclusion.

4. "I think you have made none of the foregoing errors and that you have proceeded by sound reasoning from adequate grounds for the conclusion you have reached, but I also think that your thinking about the subject is incomplete. You should have gone further than you did and reached other conclusions that somewhat alter or qualify the one you did reach." Then be able to point out what these other conclusions are and how they alter or qualify the position taken by the person with whom you disagree.

If a particular conversation ends with understood agreement about a matter of objective truth, we should not regard that as finishing the matter. More remains to be done in an effort to understand the presuppositions and implications of the agreement reached. If it ends with understood disagreement, more also remains to be done.

The cautionary remark that is relevant here consists in the advice that there is another time and place for pushing matters further. Stop for the time being and return to the subject on another day. This is especially sound advice if a conversation reaches an impasse, as many conversations do when their duration is too limited.

Finally, let me say that good conversation calls for an exercise of moral virtue. It requires the fortitude needed to take the pains necessary to make it good. It requires the temperance needed for a moderation of one's passions. Above all, it requires the justice needed to give the other person his due.

Excerpted from Dr. Adler's book How To Speak, How To Listen.

Let's have an example of a simple conversation:

Conversation

Daryl: I am upset. Somebody told my boss I have a part-time job.

Smith: And he doesn't like that ?

Daryl: No, he doesn't. He thinks that I am too tired to work.

Smith: I am sorry. I have to admit I told him.

Daryl: You told him ? Why ?

Smith: I couldn't help it. He asked me point-blank.

Explanation :

If you can't help the way you feel or behave, you cannot control it or stop it from happening. You can also say that you can't help yourself.

If you say something point-blank, you say it very directly or rudely, without explaining or apologizing.

Conclusion

You can help yourself and your children become better conversationalists, while brushing up on your own skills at the same time. Here are some helpful exercises you and your children can do together.

Conversaton drill

Practice contributing to discussions by:

• Looking at the people who are talking.
• Waiting for a point in the conversation when no one else is talking to make a short, appropriate comment that relates to the topic being discussed.
• Choosing words that are not offensive or confusing to others.
• Giving other people a chance to talk.
• Practice keeping the conversation going by:

Maintaining a relaxed but attentive posture. Nodding your head to give ongoing encouragement.

• Asking follow-up questions that pertain to what the other person has just said.
• Avoiding fidgeting, looking away or yawning.
• Not interrupting.
• Taking turns in the conversation and saying "excuse me" when interruption of others occurs.

Practice closing the conversation by:

• Changing topics only when everyone appears to be finished talking about a particular issue.
• Changing to a topic that somehow relates to the previous one.
• Allowing everyone a chance to talk about the current topic.
• Waiting for a comfortable break in the conversation to leave.

[karizmua]

Thank you TiCam for sharing.

[Lei Lei]

Communication is a skill that you can learn. It's like riding a bicycle or typing. If you're willing to work at it you can rapidly improve the quality of this very part of your life."

To get better at anything, one must work at it. I live in what many would call an inner city. I have come to find that many of the communicative problems that those around me face is due to lack of vocabulary; which leads to the profane adjectives, used in an uncivilized manner, demonstrating what would appear to be a lack of education.

One can only teach what they have been taught. For example, around the time that I was growing up, those of us whose parents was able to stomach the ills that we did, held their heads and kept us home, so they still had a major influence in our upbringing. Thus, we were able to pass what we learned on to our children. However, those who were not kept at home and had to know rent a room, get a job, and fend for themselves only had the comfort of outside influences to finish cultivating and molding them. (Remember, no one takes care your children like you) And who did they have ............(The streets) And how did they communicate (Not very well verbally).......

Not everyone can engage in "a good conversation is engaging for the mind and the heart, and after the good talk, walk away satisfied and even a little more enlightened."

Not everyone has "the ability to listen and ask questions."

Sometimes, "if you listen to someone else, then they are more likely to listen to you."

It's unfortunate that some people "assume that they know everything," and are not open to "being open to new ideas, and being open to understanding someone else's point of view." They are the once who will not be "provided with the most satisfying conversation possible."