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Taking the Toronto Plunge

9/5/2007 at 3:38:25 PM

God knows there's going to be more coverage of the 32nd Annual Toronto International Film Festival than you can shake an usher's flashlight at. But to guide those who are attending and give those who are not a sense of what the ten-day experience smells, sounds and feels like, here is my attempt to do so with the assistance of some of the 271 features, 74 shorts and four mid-length offerings that make up this year's edition.

By jumping into the TIFF fray, understand that you have basically agreed to Shake Hands with the Devil (Canada). This is No Country for Old Men (U.S.); it's as fast and furious as Young People F*cking (Canada). So, in order to make sure it does not become a Sad Vacation (Japan), it is crucial to understand - and abide by - some of The Secrets (Israel-France).

First off, get comfortable with the idea of losing Control (Britain). Your first choice is sold out, your favorite aisle seat is occupied by that text messaging guy you keep running into, and the friend who said they could get you into tonight's party has mysteriously disappeared. Keep up a Smiley Face (United States) and resolutely remain The Brave One (U.S.); you'll be amazed at the unexpected good karma developments that eventually will come your way.

And sure, the intake of food and drink quickly becomes a chore you don't have time for. But your mantra should remain Eat, For This Is My Body (Haiti-France). Trust me; a subtitled incest drama from Bangladesh is easier to appreciate on a full stomach. Same goes for H2O, caffeine and-or Red Bull. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate, or else instead of a clear pursuit of The Edge of Heaven (Germany-Turkey), you'll be bouncing around Forever Never Anywhere (Austria).

Beware of the ever-pervasive buzz; it's only as good as the source. You must be a Sleuth (U.S.), not a Mad Detective (Hong Kong). Take stock of the person giving you a recommendation. If they look Normal (Canada), consider it an actionable tip; if on the other hand they appear to be someone whose Buddha Collapsed Out of Shame (Iran), in one ear and out the other. But don't be mean about it; resist the temptation to cry out Run, Fat Boy, Run (U.S.) or Can You Wave Bye Bye? (Canada). You never know if-when you'll run into this person again.

Last but not least, time your bathroom breaks to beat The Exodus (Hong Kong-China). That's not to say you should make a trip to the restroom during the movie; if you think a full row of opening weekend moviegoers hates it when you get up mid-film and brush past them all, it's nothing compared to the potential resentfulness of a festival row. Going during a film is a Poor Man's Game (Canada). No, you must remember to complete the back end of the Import Export (Austria) BEFORE the lights go down. It's essential if you want to Reclaim Your Brain and hang around as the credits roll to shout out Glory to the Filmmaker! (Japan).