 | Welcome to the Foire d'Opinions Haitiennes forums. You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community you will have access to post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), respond to polls, upload content and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today! If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact contact us. | | Blagues - [Add Blague] - Average Rating: 4.87 | | 06-11-08, 01:47 PM | | La plus belle | Rating:  0 Out of 0 Users Thought this Blague was Funny [ Vote]
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| | [Main Category] - Gorbatchev et Préval
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Gorbatchev et Préval bavardaient amicalement de l'histoire et de l'évolution des relations Est-Ouest.
- Je me demande, dit Gorbatchev, ce qui aurait été différent si Kroutchev avait été assassiné au lieu de Kennedy ?
- Préval réfléchit longuement et dit avec à propos :
Je pense qu'Onassis n'aurait pas épousé Mme Kroutchev. | | 04-30-08, 03:54 PM | | La plus belle | Rating: 2 Out of 2 Users Thought this Blague was Funny [ Vote]
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| | [Main Category] - Football au paradis
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Deux passionnés de football sont en train de discuter de la vie après la mort:
« - Je me demande s'il y a des terrains de football au paradis?
- J'ai une idée. Si je décède en premier, je viendrai dans tes rêves pour te dire s'il y a des terrains de foot. Si tu décède en premier, tu viendra dans mes rêves pour me le dire. »
Quelques années plus tard, un des deux hommes perd la vie dans un accident. Il se retrouve au paradis. Comme prévu, il entre dans les rêves de son ami et lui dit:
« - J'ai une bonne et une mauvaise nouvelle pour toi. La bonne, c'est qu'il y a un merveilleux terrain de foot au paradis! La mauvaise, c'est que tu fais parti de l'alignement du match de demain! » | | 04-30-08, 03:49 PM | | La plus belle | Rating: 1 Out of 1 Users Thought this Blague was Funny [ Vote]
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| | [Main Category] - CONFESSION
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Un curé marche dans la rue quand il rencontre le bricoleur du village, qui ne met jamais les pieds à l'église. Il lui dit:
« - Mon cher, je vous attend demain au confessionnal. Je ne vous ai jamais vu en 20 ans, vous avez sûrement des choses à vous faire pardonner! »
Le bricoleur se rend à l'église à la demande du curé. Et l'interrogatoire commence:
« - Alors, avez-vous des péchés à me dire?
- Euh, en fait, oui. J'ai volé un peu de bois chez le charpentier.
- Un peu de bois, cela représente combien?
- Euh, en fait, j'en ai eu juste assez pour construire une niche à mon chien.
- Bon, dans ce cas, c'est pas si terrible. »
Le bricoleur continue:
« - Il me restait un peu de bois, alors je me suis construit une remise pour mes outils.
- Oh, c'est un peu plus sérieux là!
- Oui, en fait, après la remise, il me restait assez de bois alors je me suis construit un garage.
- C'est très grave ce que vous me dites. Pour ça, vous devrez me faire une neuvaine.
- Monsieur le curé, j'ignore ce qu'est une neuvaine, mais si vous me donnez les plans, j'ai le bois pour le faire! » | | 04-30-08, 03:39 PM | | La plus belle | Rating: 0 Out of 0 Users Thought this Blague was Funny [ Vote]
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| | [Main Category] - CONFESSIONNAL
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Un prêtre reçoit la visite d'un ancien guerrier au confessionnal. L'homme dit:
« - Pardonnez-moi mon Père, car j'ai péché. Durant la deuxième guerre mondiale, j'ai caché un homme riche dans mon grenier.
- Ce n'est pas si grave, c'est même bien, si cet homme était en danger!
- Mais, ce n'est pas tout... J'ai chargé à cet homme un bon montant d'argent chaque mois pour la location de mon grenier.
- Humm. Vous avez profité de lui, mais j'imagine que ça peut encore passer.
- Oh merci mon Père, une dernière petite question...
- Allez-y...?
- Est-ce que vous pensez que je devrais lui dire que la guerre est terminée? » | | 04-15-08, 04:32 PM | | La plus belle | Rating: 2 Out of 2 Users Thought this Blague was Funny [ Vote]
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| | [Main Category] - Chinese Sick Day
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Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
"I do what you say, I feel great, I be work soon.....you got nice house!
Last edited by TiCam : 04-15-08 at 04:33 PM.
| | 04-15-08, 04:30 PM | | La plus belle | Rating: 1 Out of 1 Users Thought this Blague was Funny [ Vote]
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| | [Main Category] - SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE
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Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always
resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Jews watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.' | | 02-17-08, 03:06 PM | | "Stay True to Yourself" | Rating:  0 Out of 0 Users Thought this Blague was Funny [ Vote]
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| | [Main Category] - Jokes
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120 Things Not to Say During Sex
1) is it in?
2) that's it?
3) you've got to be kidding me.
4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5) do I have to pay for this?
6) do I have to call you tomorrow?
7) oh momma, momma!
8) oh dadda, dadda!
9) you look better in the dark.
10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11) I thought that goes in the other hole....
12) don't tell my husband/wife.
13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it) .
14) this sucks.
15) can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17) I think you might get the job for this.
18) damn! is that all you know what to do.
19) did I tell you, I have herpes?
20) now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22) i'm hungry.
23) i'm thirsty.
24) zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25) are you trying to be funny?
26) can I have a ride home after this?
27) are those real?
28) by the way, I want to break up.
29) is that smell coming from you?
30) haven't you ever done this before?
31) wow!! i've never seen those before (then grope wildly) .
32) do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33) you're so much like your sister....
34) your mom's cute.
35) what's your name again?
36) do I have to be here in the morning?
37) a second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
38) But you just started!!
39) you're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!!
40) don't touch that!!
41) can we order a pizza?
42) I think my dad is listening at the door.
43) smile for the camera, honey!!!
44) take off that damn monkey glove!!
45) get your hand out of there!!
46) I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47) I knew you wore a padded bra!!
48)Cover me boys, i'm going in!!!
49) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50) Fire one!
51) God, that is small!!
52) hold on, let me change the channel...
53) who smells like fish?
54) is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55) your best-friend does it much better.
56) hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
57) hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58)ou're fogging up the wind-sheild.
59) can I borrow 5 bucks?
60) what the hell noise was that?!
61) stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62) shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63) you know, you're not really attractive.
64) i'm sorry, I was not listening.
65) what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66) stop interrupting me!!
67) I have to poop.
68) did I leave the iron on?
69) your breath is funky.
70) (start singing Green Day) .
71) is it o.k. if I call someone, its o.k. though, keep going....
72) its ok honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
73) god I wish you were a real woman.
74) why can't you ever shave your legs?
75) by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
76) oh susan, susan... I mean donna.... dang.
77) your breast milk is like my mom's....
78) You're hairy!!
79) your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80) is it o.k. if I never see you again?
81) did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
82) don't make that face at me!
83) all of a sudden I have a headache.
84) you're boring.
85) Would you shave my back after this.
86) Did I mention my name is Zog from Planet Tog.
87) how much do I owe you?
88) How come we each have a penis? (If it wasn't suppose to be that way)
89) of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'l kill me!
90) your ass is hairy (the guy says this) .
91) just use your finger, its bigger.
92) does your family have to watch?
93) we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94) get off me, i'll do it myself!!!!
95) can you hold this sandwhich for me?
96) you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97) the only reason i'm doing this is because i'm drunk.
98)if my mom taught me this.....
99) how cute... peach fuzz!
100) Dang girl! my boobd are bigger than your's!
101) should I ask why you're bleeding?
102) this is my pet rat, larry....
103) if you can't do it, i'll find someone else who can!
104) I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
105) I was once a woman...
106) wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107) no I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!
108) is it o.k. if I tell my friends about this?
109) i'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110) you wanted me to use a condom?
111) you're no better than my brother!!
112) mooooo!!
113) Fire in the hole!!!
114) I wanna see how many quaters I can fit in there.
115) hurry up, i'm late for a date.
116) o.k. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
117) you ever see basic instinct?
118) i'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
119) don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120) Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
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Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst
of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some
stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think
you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions a! re taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products,aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,the hangover should be
minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order
to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later
than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICUL! T TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a woman with no arms and no on a beach and a guy sees her he ask if he can do anything for her so she ask "will u give me a kiss ive never been kissed before?" he says ok so he kisses her he ask "is there any thing else u need?" she says "yea can u F*** me because ive never been F*** before so he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says "now ur F***ed"
---------------------------------------------------------------
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties
of pickle the company once had.
3. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
4. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks,
otherwise it will digest itself.
5. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp
paper.
6. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
7. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and
down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.
8. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
9. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a
mate.
10. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
11. A 2x4 is 1-1/2 x 3-1/2
12. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
13. Every person has a unique tongue print.
14. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He
was albino.
15. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
16. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be
seen in the distance.
17. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents
daily.
18. John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham
Lincoln's son.
19. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
20. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate effects a dogs heart and
nervous system, a few ounces enough to kill a small sized dog.
21. Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.
22. Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If
captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for
escape.
23. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
24. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the
shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
25. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't
wear pants.
26. Dr. Seuss actually pronounced Seuss such that it sounded like
Sue-ice.
27. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
28. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the
other at the same time.
29. During the California Gold Rush of 1849 miners sent their
laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the
extremely high costs in California during these boom years it was
deemed more feasible to send the shirts to Hawaii for servicing.
30. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive
from each salad served in first class.
31. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War
II were made of wood.
32. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per
Side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
33. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and lower,
because in the time when all original print had to be set in
individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on
top
of the case that stored
the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
34. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
35. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange,
purple, and silver!
36. The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar
bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.
37. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was
never a recorded Wendy before!
38. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World
War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
39. There are four cars and eleven lightposts on the back of a $10
dollar bill.
40. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors, also, it took him 10 years
to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
41. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will
instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
42. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to SLOW a film down
so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
43. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you
have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without
being able to make change for a dollar.
44. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's 'Born in
the USA'
45. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original Halloween was
actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
46. The original name for the butterfly was 'flutterby'!
47. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything
wider than your thumb.
48. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record
player for automobiles. At that time the most known player on the
market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
49. Roses MAY Be red, but violets ARE, indeed, violet.
50. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't
sink in quicksand.
51. Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scooby-Doo.
52. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a
piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
53. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look
alike contest.
54. In Gulliver's Travels Jonathan Swift described the
two moons of Mars, Phobos and Deimos, giving their exact size and
speeds of rotation. He did this more than 100 years before either moon
was
discovered.
55. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
56. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said Elementary, my dear Watson.
57. An old law in Bellingham, Wash., made it illegal for a woman to
take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
58. Sharon Stone was the first Star Search spokesmodel.
59. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
60. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book
most often stolen from Public Libraries.
--------------------------------------------------
30 Harsh Things a Woman Can Say to a Naked Man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
Last edited by Lei Lei : 02-17-08 at 03:18 PM.
| | 01-17-08, 06:32 PM | | La plus belle | Rating: 0 Out of 0 Users Thought this Blague was Funny [ Vote]
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| | [Main Category] - MISSING SOLDIER
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. | | 01-17-08, 06:23 PM | | La plus belle | Rating: 0 Out of 0 Users Thought this Blague was Funny [ Vote]
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| | [Main Category] - Clean can be funny
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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." | | 01-14-08, 02:53 PM | | La plus belle | Rating: 0 Out of 0 Users Thought this Blague was Funny [ Vote]
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| | [Main Category] - Success
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At age 4 success is------ not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is---- having friends.
At age 17 success is-----having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is-----having money.
At age 50 success is-----having money.
At age 70 success is-----having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is-----having friends.
At age 80 success is-----not peeing in your pants. | | 01-09-08, 04:10 PM | | La plus belle | Rating: 0 Out of 0 Users Thought this Blague was Funny [ Vote]
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| | [Main Category] - Changing a light bulb the Christian way
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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Charismatic : Only 1 - Hands are already in the air. Pentecostal : 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Presbyterians : None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times. Roman Catholic : None - Candles only. Baptists : At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was. Mormons : 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. Unitarians : - We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Methodists : Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass. Nazarene : 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy. Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change. Amish : What's a light bulb? | | 01-03-08, 04:57 PM | | Registered User | Rating: 1 Out of 1 Users Thought this Blague was Funny [ Vote]
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| | [Main Category] - Dieu et les femmes
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Dix femmes mortes arrivent ensemble devant Dieu pour etre jugées et savoir si aller au paradis ou en enfer.
___ Levez la main si vous avez trompé votre mari.
Neuf ont levé la main et au moment ou Saint-Perre s'appretait à les conduire en enfer,
___ Eh Pierrot, prends aussi celle-là avec toi, elle est sourde. | | 01-02-08, 12:25 PM | | Registered User | Rating: 1 Out of 1 Users Thought this Blague was Funny [ Vote]
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| | [Main Category] - Excité
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Un homme arrive chez lui et crie à sa femme:
- Chérie , prépare toi à faire l'amour cinq fois !
- Waooow, t'es en forme,toi !
- Non.J' ai amené quatre copains. | | 01-02-08, 12:24 PM | | Registered User | Rating: 0 Out of 0 Users Thought this Blague was Funny [ Vote]
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| | [Main Category] - Clitoris
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Deux clitoris se rencontrent.
- Il paraît que tu es frigide ? fait le premier.
Et l'autre répond :
- Ceux qui disent ça sont des mauvaises langues. | | 01-02-08, 12:11 PM | | Registered User | Rating: 0 Out of 0 Users Thought this Blague was Funny [ Vote]
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| | [Main Category] - red neck on the jury
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A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go. | |
