Home »

[Odler]

I now wear glasses, reading glasses. Why? Don?t rush into conclusions, give me a chance to explain.

My eyes are fine, intact, new, immaculate, fully functional, perfect, fit, and beautiful too (but this is not the matter here).

I know you may not believe what follows, but I am telling the absolute truth. The CIA is after me. Since they can?t get me, they are trying on a technicality. They are destroying my sight. How? By conspiring with the editors, publishers, and printers of everything I read to make the letters small, pale, imprecise. By adding a chemical to my reading material to make my eyes hurt and tear.

What else? When I go to work they would send agents to my place to replace my light bulbs with bulbs producing a light so dim that I need five of them in order to phone in my Japanese teriyaki whole fish at night.

My computer was tricked. It makes me see two letters where in fact there is only one. (That is why one is to be wary of computers.)

The problem comes up any time I read my books, magazines, newspapers, journals, telephone bills, pizza menus, customer surveys, love letters, hate letters, death threats, Internet tricks to clean my credit report, junk emails that offer to add inches to stuff, stupid jokes, fine prints on credit card statements, speed limits, no-parking signs, and all other pleasant readings that spice my life.

Therefore, I had to retaliate. Last week, I went to one of these quick eyewear places (Lenscrafters) to get examined for $68. I walked out with two pairs of glasses (one for home, one for the movie theater). Tag price: $679 after 40% off. For the same price, I also received a diagnosis of astigmatism, meaning that my left eye can focus on two different things at the same time. This is actually good, if these two things are my steering wheel and the pad of my cell phone.

Now there is a rumor out there putting the burden of these glasses on age. Not at 29? It is all the fault of my computer and of the?. CIA.

http://www.jeanlouie.com/

(OdlerRobert Jeanlouie, Saturday, May 25, 2002)