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Cruel Intentions of a Boys Life: MAKING CHOICES

Bullying: Girls talk while boys get physical

Oh, Bill Jimenez, where are you today? And are you still making life unbearable for some insecure soul?

Jimenez was the bane of my 11th-grade year. An acid-tongued devil who left my teen psyche in tatters more than 30 years ago.

And I still remember his name.

We never forget the bullies in our lives.

Mickey Pope's was named Diane.

"She was always saying, `Haitians stink, they're stupid,'" Pope, who is Haitian, vividly remembers.

Pope may be the last person you could ever imagine being bullied. As South Central area director for the Broward School District, she's focused, self-assured and strong-willed.

But she remembers well the insecurity and vulnerability of those uncertain years. And if the former elementary schoolteacher were ever to forget, the experiences of her son Amani quickly take her back. Although he's only 11 and just now entering the trecherous middle-school years, he's already had to deal with bullies.

And learn how to make difficult choices: to fight or back off, speak up or stay quiet, take responsibility or let his parents handle it.

"When I found out about what was happening, I asked him, `Do you want me to speak to your teacher?'" Pope said. "But he didn't want me to come in and take over. He chose to handle it. And ultimately, my job as a parent is the same with this as it is with other issues: help him process it. Talk about strategies. Choices. And get him to a level of comfort where he feels he can handle it."

In 2001, researchers at the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development surveyed 15,686 students in grades 6 to 10 and found that:

"Bullying occurred most frequently in sixth through eighth grade ... Males were both more likely to bully others and more likely to be victims of bullying than were females. In addition, males were more likely to say they had been bullied physically (being hit, slapped or pushed), while females more frequently said they were bullied verbally and psychologically (through sexual comments or rumors)."

"It really is exacerbated in middle school," said Michael Berg, who as Gang Prevention Coordinator for Broward schools, is charged with dealing with all aspects of violence within the schools.

"In elementary school, you're in a place with 300-400 other children and everybody knows you," he continued. "Then you get into middle school and all of a sudden, you don't know everybody. You go from being top dog to bottom dog. It's tough. It would be even for adults. And the carrot's gone. In elementary school, kids want teachers to like them. Want their parents to be proud. And in high school, they're motivated by the future. College. Getting a driver's license. Middle school's in between."

Sean Kelley, who has been teaching martial arts to kids in Palm Beach County schools for 22 years and has worked with the Guardian Angels for 20, ties the problems with youth violence and bullying to our social values. Too many kids who are too focused on themselves and on a computerized reality. Kids who aren't getting enough exercise, attention or discipline.

"And when I say discipline, I'm not talking about punishment," he said. "I'm talking about structure.

"Bullies are disconnected children who are probably seeking attention. They lack manners and compassion," he added, "and feel that instead of asking for something, they can just take it."

Pope is familiar with both the research and the real-life. Her son was the focus of a bully through much of fourth grade.

"He kept calling me a little girl," said Amani, who's now in sixth grade at Sunrise Middle School in Fort Lauderdale. "I felt sad and sometimes I felt really angry. I wasn't scared. But I felt that if I did the same thing to him, it would make me [be] like him."

Amani, whose father, Lindsey Pope, is a mental health advocate in the court system, has had plenty of good, solid advice from both parents. He has an "angel box" in which he places written concerns or wishes, and then prays about them.

"It helps him release them," Mickey Pope said.

Eventually Amani learned to answer his bully's taunts.

"I would call him a weirdo or just walk away," he said.

"That was a strategy I gave him," Mickey Pope said. "I told him, `Don't show that you're upset. They thrive on that. And use your mouth.' I suggested that whenever he was called a name to answer back, `I know you are.' But I also told him, `If it gets to the point where he puts his hand on you, report it to a teacher.'"

One thing that didn't surprise Pope was the age at which all this began.

"There are points in boys' lives when there's a growth spurt, physiologically and mentally," Pope said. "They're called `break-up stages' or `break-up points' because things tend to just blow up for them. The first happens in third grade. If you look at records of the number of suspensions, you'll find that they go up in third grade. They are pushing the adults to see how far they can go. To question authority."

Which just happened to be about the time Amani began having problems with the bully.

"And sixth grade is another break-up point," Pope continued.

Which is her son's grade now.

The sixth-grade break-up point is particularly dangerous because kids are bigger and hormones have kicked in. For the first time, boys are beginning to get a sense of their own power. And trying to figure out where they fit in the social order.

"When I speak to fifth-grade parents, I always tell them, `Next year you will not recognize your child.' They're bigger, older, have more of a voice and more of a mouth. A little less fear of authority," she said.

Lindsey Pope added, "It's a difficult age. Their hair's growing, voice is changing. They're dealing with girls. It's a situation where, I may be too scared to talk to a girl I like. But I'm sure not going to let you humiliate me in front of her."

Both of Amani's parents are acutely aware of the challenges facing him in middle school.

"I worry about it, and I have plans about how to deal with it," Lindsey Pope said.

He tells Amani, "When you get cornered and don't have any other alternative, you hit hard. The bullying will stop when you hit hard."

It's the same advice I had heard from my grandfather and father. And the same advice I've given nephews.

But in the Pope living room, I felt a wife bristle at her husband's words.

"But what happens if their response to getting hit hard is to go get a gun?" she asked. The conversation turned to the escalation of violence at Columbine.

"But the problem there is that you can't just take it and endure [it] for so long," he answered.

It quickly became clear there's a Mars/Venus component to this issue.

Lindsey Pope reiterated that he always advocates, first, talking your way out of any confrontation. And doing it with a loud voice, so passing students and nearby teachers know there's a problem. His second recommended course of action: RUN.

The hitting-hard option, he points out, is a line that should be crossed only if no other options remain.

"I just want for them to be aware of where that line is," Mickey Pope said.

"They do," Lindsey Pope said. "We rehearse it."

That's right. He actually role plays with his children so they won't have any doubt about what they should do.

They also enrolled Amani in a martial arts class, but Amani didn't like it.

"He didn't want to touch anybody with any of his punches. He'd stop just short of their faces," his father said.

After a year, Amani gave it up.

For all the reasons the Popes gave, the martial arts are a popular strategy for kids who've had problems with bullies.

Thirteen-year-old Daniel started going to classes at White Tiger Martial Arts in Loxahatchee after he had ongoing problems with bullies at Osceola Creek Middle School.

"It helps me relax when anybody bothers me," Daniel said.

Like Amani, Daniel's problems with bullies started in fourth grade. A kid taunted him unmercifully -- until the bully became friends with Daniel's cousin. And suddenly, Daniel was safe.

Daniel's middle school world is one that may sound familiar: a segmented society of insecure kids struggling to find their identity. There are the skaters, punks and Goths, ghetto kids and rebels/rednecks.

"When we're talking about bullying, there's one very important piece," said Mickey Pope. "And that's the issue of diversity. If you're different in any way, you find that kids have a very difficult time respecting that."

It helps to have a circle of friends. That's where she, and her son, found solace from their bullies.

Yet, being different is as important a part of being 12, 13 and 14 as iPods and cell phones.

"I don't have a label," said Daniel, whose parents asked that his last name not be used for fear of worsening the bullying. "I'm a `mix.'"

He typically wears Timberland, or "ghetto," shoes. And a Billabong, or "skater," shirt.

And an even worse faux pas, many of Daniel's friends are girls. Which opens him up to taunts about his masculinity, or supposed lack thereof.

One older boy took it upon himself to make Daniel's life miserable, taunting him daily, especially on the bus.

The harassment became so bad that his mother decided to drive Daniel to school in seventh grade. And he started taking martial arts classes.

"It's helped with my self-esteem, self-confidence and discipline," Daniel said.

"He's really improved," said Daniel's martial arts teacher, Eric Perrotta. "I see it in his posture."

Perrotta knows something about bullying -- from both sides.

Perrotta's parents put him into a martial arts class, but not because they were worried about self-defense. He had a bad temper and they wanted him to develop more discipline. They worried he might become a bully.

Actually, he ended up being a victim.

"It was right about the time when gangs were becoming popular and I had five kids who just hounded me," Perrotta said. "They were constantly tripping me, knocking books out of my hands."

Finally, they had it out away from the school grounds.

"One never came after me," he remembered. "I, uh, disabled two and the other two ran off."

Although Daniel still had to deal with recurring name calling at school, the martial arts training and avoiding the bus seemed to be working -- until the last two weeks of the school year.

Daniel was making a collage in art class when his bully walked up and flicked paper in his face.

"I couldn't take it anymore," Daniel said.

Daniel threw a punch and the two ended up wrestling on the floor until the teacher broke them up.

Both were suspended for five days. And it could have been worse.

"They told me that if you miss more than nine days, you have to re-take the entire grade," Daniel said.

This year, the bully moved on to high school.

"Are you worried about next year?" I asked Daniel during a break from his martial arts class.

"Yeah," he said. "But I don't want to go through the same grade again. What I'll do is tell the teachers if I have a problem. And tell the principal."

And that, said school violence prevention expert Berg, is the key.

"Silence hurts," he said.

Ralph De La Cruz can be reached at rdelacruz@sun-sentinel.com or 954-356-4727.