JOKES
GHETTO SPELLIN' BEE
Leroy is a 20 year-old inner-city 5th grader. This is
Leroy's assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
1. Hotel -
I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tell everybody.
2. Dictate -
My girlfriend say my dictate good.
3. Catacomb -
I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody
get that catacomb.
4. Foreclose -
If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. Rectum -
I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.
6. Disappointment -
My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they
gonna send me back to the joint.
7. Penis -
I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
8. Israel -
Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake."
He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel".
9 . Undermine -
There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
10. Acoustic -
When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic, and took me
to the poolhall.
11. Iraq -
When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle; iraq, you
break.
12. Stain -
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on
stain for dinner?"
13. Fortify -
I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."
14. Income -
I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife
Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word:
Today's word is: "OMELETTE"
Let us use it in a sentence...
I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide
Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 11:47 am Post subject: Pharmacy
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,"I would like to buy
some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us
in jail! All kinds of BAD things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and
replied,"Well now, That's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription"
Posted: Sun Sep 10, 2006 5:21 pm Post subject: Tissue
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A man and a woman are riding next to each other on a plane in first class. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! Are you trying to drive me crazy?" "I'm sorry to have disturbed you, sir," she replies. "I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him with a coy smile and says, "Pepper."
Posted: Sun Sep 10, 2006 12:36 pm Post subject: The Drunk!
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Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."
In disgust the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?' The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."
Posted: Sun Sep 10, 2006 5:27 pm Post subject: Nosey neighbor!
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Nosey neighbor : One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady from across the street, outraged at this, ranover and shouted at me, "you should be hung!"
I took a long drink from my can of Budweiser, slowly wiped the cold foam
from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor. And then calmly replied, "I am." "That's why she cuts the grass".
Posted: Sun Nov 26, 2006 8:25 pm Post subject: Pet Alligator
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A Cajun walks into a bar with A pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the gator will close his Mouth for one minute. "Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this Spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth As the crowd gasped.
After a minute, The man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the Alligator hard on th e top of its head. The gator opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........
"I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
Posted: Sun Aug 26, 2007 3:15 am Post subject: Are my Testicles Black?
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour,surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask.
"Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body" He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
Posted: Sun Nov 05, 2006 12:39 pm Post subject: Girls night out
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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst..
my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"
Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 12:26 pm Post subject: Which Gender?
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A language teacher was teaching her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are gramatically designated as masculine or femine.
"'House' in French is femine -- la maison. 'Pencil' in French is masculine -- le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"
The french teacher didn't know, and the word wasn't in her french dictionary. So for fun, she split the class into two groups, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to provide four reasons for their recommendations.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be the feminine gender because:
1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2) The native languague they use to communicate is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group however, concluded that computers should be masculine because:
1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2) They have a lot of data, but they can't function on their own.
3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
4) As soon as you commit yourself to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 12:06 pm Post subject: Welafre
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A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi, you know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "your timing is just excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary will be $300,000. per year." The guy,wide eyed,says, "You're bull shitting me..!" The social worker says, "You started it."
Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 12:01 pm Post subject: do you know who i am?
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An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "---- you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."
Posted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 11:49 am Post subject: beer money
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She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back...
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